TMI Tuesday - I just invented it.

I'm using a writing prompt I got at a random website. It's as follows: "Tell about a time when you were embarrassed." (Like a good little girl, I am including the word embarrassed but not at all following the spirit of the question.)

One day, I had been listening to a very neat preaching message by a man who said that one of our biggest failures in life today is lack of appreciation. If anyone is married, you may give a resounding amen. But really, I began to see how everything that anyone did for me was exempt from my need to be truly thankful for it. Why? Because I had a good reason to assume they were just doing their job, meeting their own need for activity and purpose in life, etc, etc. I could see an angle for every good deed, and as long as I did so, I didn't need to really thank them -- just say thank you.

But this guy said that we should have an attitude of thankfulness all the time, and that if we did, not only would we bring joy to others, but we might also find joy ourselves. At first, I thought, that's an angle -- we do it for ourselves, so it's not thankfulness. Yes, I'm a slow learner. Instead of realizing that while humanity is selfish, every good deed we can do to counterbalance that is good, I thought, if it's for wrong motives, it's not good.

Now, I know some very nasty people. I'm talking people who barely wait for you to leave the room before tearing into you with their words to whomever happens to be within listening distance. And these people in particular value manners. Is it any wonder I considered manners a foolish waste of time -- since many times it's just an act? But I was growing up in my faith, learning that life isn't fair, and realizing that if the world I lived in was going to change, it might as well start with me.

So, like a good little girl, I turned my eyes to the ignored people around me, the ones who were just doing their job when they asked me to have a nice day or treated me kindly, and I began by doing something nice for them. I bought a bag of chocolates for the tellers at my bank who were unfailingly kind and polite all the time. I was excited and embarrassed when I gave it to them, but I felt like I was doing a good thing. I bought a gift card for my mail carrier that Christmas and said thank you for all the excellent work. I was so proud of myself.

But then, when I got home and my husband or my family was not being as wonderful as I wanted, or when they did something for me in a way I assumed was halfheartedly, I wasn't thankful at all. In fact, it took a confrontation with a friend to turn me around, and now that was embarrassing. This friend, who is also a family member, told me that she had done me a good deed by being kind to my son, meeting his needs at a sleepover, and I hadn't even thanked her. I thought, is there anything at all on Earth more valuable to me than my children? Nope. And yet I hadn't even thought to thank her for taking care of him.

This highlights an issue I have. I assume my kids always are more than welcome around other people, that they love having them around, and that any kindness they do for them is to them. Yes, that's all true. (grin) But maybe, just maybe, they also assume they are blessing me when they show kindness to my children, that I am happy about it and would be appreciative of their special attention and care. Wow, what a revelation!

If you're reading this and wondering who let the no-common-sense weirdo out of her cave, this post is obviously for you. Because you're the one who tears into people and probably has perfect manners. So go repent and be nice. (giggle)

But if you, like me, have ever had difficulty with social situations and relationships, if you haven't known exactly how to behave in a given situation, and if you've wondered why your well-meaning self is never taken at face value, then ask yourself if you've neglected something -- anything -- that other people highly value. In my case, it was politeness, saying thank you, being kind. I also neglected to follow fashions, to do my hair, and to care for my skin. I have done so many counter-culture things from birth that I'm sure the list continues, but I haven't become fully aware of it all yet.

The point is, start asking yourself, is there something basic that everyone else gets which I undervalue? Would beginning to make this a habit kill me? No. Would it help me better reach out to the people who could learn something from me about how to really treat people on the inside where it matters? Probably. Because as long as I'm well-meaning, but look and act like a freak, they're never going to know there's anything that I have to offer.

So for their sake, because they value it so much, and because it won't kill me to try, I'm going to keep working on those manners, fashion, niceties, and the stuff that I think and really believe is just a surface issue. And maybe then, we can finally get to the deep stuff when I talk to people. Rather than constantly hearing inane comments like, "You know, with a little eyeliner, you would be so pretty..." (gag me).

Here's a list of stuff I've learned since that first chocolate delivery day to now:

1. Moisturize your skin the moment you leave the shower and that acne often clears up on its own -- who knew. (I rub a bit of Eucerin into my hands and then run them over my face and neck -- less than a minute and I'm done).
2. Wear a bit of eyeliner, and they're right -- you look prettier and made up without spending hours on foundation or glitz.
3. Put on earrings every day, and suddenly it looks like you meant to wear your hair that way -- hilarious but often true.
4. Get dressed in nice clothes even when you're around the house -- and really work at keeping it fashionable by inviting a friend whose clothes you don't despise but who is known for being decently dressed to help you shop next time. Trust me, if you stray from the t-shirts to the clearance rack, you'll probably spend about the same and look nice without too much effort.
5. Spend some time with people who actually like you already but aren't quite your type because they do all those things you need to work on, and then listen. If you begin following their advice at your speed and making the changes, they will begin to listen to you talk now and then. You have so much to share!
6. Stop assuming you're anti-social just because the "right" type of people have told you so. You're just not into conversation that bores you. Learn to listen anyway, and eventually, something will click and you'll find that smalltalk isn't as painful as it looks. When you find the right group of people, they will love you and find you awesome! In my case, it's usually one person at at time, but it happens.
7. Look at someone who repulses you and ask yourself what they could do to improve just a bit. Then remember that your fashion sense or manners has that effect on someone out there. They may be a little rude for telling you to change, but they aren't trying to hurt you. They are made uncomfortable by you and are trying to get over it. That's admirable. When have you reached out to a repulsive person?
8. Shoes matter. Really. Really. Really. I know that may seem insane, but people don't consider you dressed unless your clothes match, your shoes match and are neat (often super-clean), well-made, and fit nicely. If you look at a hundred people who break the rules and are still cool, remember that if you had that charisma to make it work that way, then you'd be one of the elusive cool people, but if you are anything like me, it's time to just bite the bullet and follow those fashion rules. They were made for people like you and me.
9. Care about others. Treat the underdog well. You do not have the gift of treating people like trash and being thanked for it. That's also one of those "cool" things again. But honestly, why not follow the rules this time? You don't want to be a jerk, so treat people well, accept them as they are, love them anyway, and watch the world around you begin to change. Don't require instant results. They will come, though. :)
10. Love the people closest to you. Say it, hug them, kiss them, and be kind to them. You'd be amazed how many people actually live like that all the time. The very best people tend to do this. The goodness starts and ends at home. Who you are behind the quiet, closed doors of your house is who you really are in the deepest parts of you. Want to be counted among the good guys? Then be one to your family. No, they won't instantly begin group hugging if it hasn't been the habit, but it will happen. And if you feel it's appropriate, tell them you'd like to begin being more kind to them, that there are some changes you're working on internally, and this is one of the things that will help with that.

Okay, go ahead and ask. If so many of these changes are external, how do they bring about an internal change? I don't know all the details about how life works, what God does in the inner workings of the human soul, but it does work. Really. It may take time, you may do it wrong a hundred days in a row, and maybe only get it right way after you began trying. But if you don't quit, you will find that eventually, you care less about how it's working and more about doing it right for your own sake. And that, I guess, is an angle -- a selfish reason to do it -- but you know what? I no longer care how it looks. I love people, I'm really happy to have become more approachable, and I like being involved with others. It's a new life, and I enjoy it.